Well it's been another two weeks, incredibly enough. I've had a lot swirling around in my head the last little while, but sadly for you, Dear Reader, it's the kind of thing that belongs more in a personal journal (another item which I forgot on my most recent road trip) than on a blog.
I will say this: last night I found myself trying to measure the success of my day by how much I got accomplished. Let's see...I unpacked from our trip...kept the boy entertained...the dishes are done, plus I made it to the store...filled a prescription...cleared things up with management...went to book club... Somewhere in the middle of crossing off my mental checklist for the day, I realized that I do this every day. I'll be washing my face or changing into pajamas when I start to either silently chastise myself for a day ill-spent or pat myself on the back for one that was unusually productive - at least by my standards.
The bad part is, even my best days rarely leave me feeling satisfied. I spend a lot of evenings committing to 'do more, be better' tomorrow and a lot of days frustrated at how my life seems to slip through my fingers. Am I chasing the end of a non-existent rainbow here? Where does true self-satisfaction come from?
I worry that my whole life I've been too extrinsically motivated: grades, praise, big hearty 'thank yous' and the like. So I look for validation at the end of a day in the number of things I've accomplished because it's a quantifiable measure of how I'm doing. Clear-cut. Solid.
Does anyone else do this? How do I ever know how I'm really 'measuring up' - and is it healthy to worry about it at all?
15 comments:
You echo my own sentiments almost verbatim. It's like when Nate asks h ow my day was, I feel like I need to give a list of all I have done to make myself think today was worth living. I don't know the answer yet. Very well said, though.
I think that I will soon be in the same place as you. The only thing I can offer is that you have to take into account the different stages of life. At this stage in your life when you're the mother of such a young child, there are different things that are important than even two years ago. I think you've got to say to yourself "For right now, making it through the day and loving my child and running some errands are important things." Later in life you'll be able to do "more" of things that seem to have intrinsic value but for now the things that are most valuable are smaller, less visible victories. There's my two cents!
I'm somewhere on the other end of the spectrum. I'm not a checklist person and I'm usually satisfied with a day without mistakes. In that way, I suppose I am a checklist person: wife not justifiably mad at me—check; son breathing—check; haven't lost job—check. Accomplishments come as happy surprises. This makes for a lot less self-recrimination, but at the same time I'm glad we've got all kinds so that things get done. Bryanna is another one of you guys, and it's good that one of us is. But avoiding the guilt would be a step in the right direction for your camp. And any step in the right direction would be...well...a step in the right direction for my camp.
I have the exact same thoughts DAILY...and they all started after I graduated from BYU. I'm especially frustrated lately as it seems like I go to work all day doing things I don't really care about, and then I come home and don't do anything here because I wore myself out at work doing nothing. However, I'm afraid your thoughts and my thoughts are unhelpful because we ARE trying our best. I think it's important to be motivated and want to be better, but at the same time, we need to be satisfied with the here and now, who we are, and what we're doing. Keep up the good work.
I think that you have entered into the phase of life (young wife/motherhood) where there is no accurate external measure of what you do each day and its value. There is no professor to write "A+" and critique notes on how fabulously you soothed Truman when he was cranky, or made the hubby laugh after a stressful day of work.
It has been my experience that if I get bogged down into what physical things I did, I get discouraged...because let's face it--there is always more to do.
Maybe you could concentrate less on what you do, and more on who you are becoming. And who you are helping those around you to become. When you care for Truman, look past the diapers and food and "stuff" and realize that every day, your child is loved and nurtured and has already come to build an eternal relationship with you and with his Heavenly Parents because of that. You are helping him become a person who will love life, feel safe in his own home, and comfortable in his own skin, and there is no way to adequately measure the value of that.
If you want to know when the grades come in and the sense of accomplishment starts, I'd ask Mom how she feels when she watches you.
Im thinking Matt should be there for the big thank yous at the end of the day.
I dont know, it seems like if i dont have a project or hobbie, i get these feelings. you kind of need something to look forward to.
I too am a check-lister, and after I had Seth I went through a really dismal time because I felt like my self-worth was somehow less because I accomplished less of what was on my list each day.
One day I was thinking about what really made me happier, playing with Seth or cleaning out my fridge. I realized I needed to change the kinds of things that were on my checklist. So I started changing the list of things I thought I needed to do to things like, Paint with Seth, read stories to Seth, sing primary songs with Seth, spend alone-time with my husband, etc.
It took awhile to change my mental outlook, but I started to feel so much happier each day. Of course I still have to clean my house and do laundry and run errands, but they're not my main focus as much anymore. And they still get done (eventually), amazingly enough.
This might be a twisted way to look at things, but it works for me!
And doing something that I enjoy each day is also on my list. Don't want to forget that!
I totally do. I just want to say that Elder Ballard's talk from the sunday afternoon session helps me to check myself though. Then,I make sure i slow down and take time for me, and it helps me try to value the things I'm doing on a daily basis better instead of trying to get everything done fast. :) It helps me at least to sit back and reflect and remember to relax sometimes.
I think this is where you just have to keep up with the Joneses. Then as long as you have more and better stuff than your neighbor, you will feel great (you may have to ignore the whole debt thing, it is kind of overrated anyhow)
Brittany, the only thing I wish is that you could hold some of those very important questions for 20 to 30 years and then look back and ask them. I think you would find a different viewpoint of the everyday activities that seem to define your life right now.
One of my comments is for Jon--I remember Grandma Johnson telling me that her mother always said, "A day without mistakes is a day wasted." (Implying, of course, that you don't grow unless you make some mistakes.) Correct me if I'm quoting wrong here, somebody.
The only thing I can tell you Brittany is that when I had only one child, I had similar feelings. But now with number four on the way, I don't even have time to feel guilty. I get way more acomplished than I want to, and I'm just surviving. Besides an occasional novel, I don't even have a hobby. I measure the success of the day by how patient I've been, and lately I've been a failure. But there is no time to dwell on that when there are kids to put to bed.
this is the trouble with the housewife/stay at home mom. your kids aren't big enough or understand enough to say "hey mom, you are doing a great job and accomplishing many tasks. Keep it up!" instead they are demanding more attention and consuming most of whatever is left in your brain to think about. It is easy to feel unsatisfied sometimes especially when we see that other people are making a difference or following their passions but leaving family behind. you are doing the best you can. most people don't even do that.
I loved this blog. Yeah. . i hear ya girl. . . I realized the other day that I need to stop saying, "Dang, Daddy's home" when Jonathan pulls up. I'm glad he's there, just frustrated that my time to get stuff done is over (where did the day go?!? oh yeah, I spent half of it in the rocking chair nursing. . ). Don't want the kids to think daddy coming home is a bad thing.
Brittany, if you want something to do just write a book for crying out loud! You're obviously a very gifted writer (and thinker), and then you'll have something to be satisfied with AND make big $$$. You'll be the next J.K., or that BYU grad who writes those crazy vampire stories.
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